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What are Boundaires

boundaries Oct 29, 2021
What are Boundaries

What are Boundaries?

Boundaries are a set of guidelines or limits that we set as an integral part of being a human being. They establish limits and guidelines for ourselves others. They allow us to make choices that are in our best interests not for the interests of others.

A boundary is that imaginary line that separates me from you. It separates your physical space, your feelings, needs, and responsibilities from others. Your boundaries also tell other people how they can treat you – what’s acceptable and what isn’t. Without boundaries, you will find that certain people in your life will take advantage of you. letting limits and letting them know what they are will teach them how you expect to be treated.

You can think of a boundary as a property line. If you live in a house then you will have a fence or wall between you and your neighbour. This lets you both know what space belongs to each of you. You know where your line is and they know where their line is. But if there was no fence or wall between you both the neither of you know when you could be crossing that boundary.

As an example what if Mike's neighbour created a flower bed on the boundary of his gardens. It looks pretty and he gets to enjoy it. A week later he goes out into the garden and finds the flower bed has been extended. it is now further into his garden and to tend this flower bed his neighbour has been coming into his garden. This goes on for months and before you know it the neighbour has taken over a third of the garden.

It's now summer time and Mike's neighbour is having a party and their friends are now in his garden.

Mike hits breaking point and has a go at them explaining that they are taking advantage that there is no fence. Mike tells them that they need to remove the flower bed and tell their freinds to get out of his garden.

Mike's neighbour is shocked by his reaction as he thought Mike was happy with the way things were.

Mike was responsible for not setting and enforcing the boundary. Mike allowed his neighbor to take advantage of his lack of boundaries. Of course Mike's neighbour behaved badly. They, of course, are responsible for their own actions.
Some behaviours are clearly wrong, but many, like the actions of the neighbour started out in the grey.

It would have been better for everyone if from the beginning Mike had said, “Hi Neighbour. I’m sure you didn’t realise it, but your flower bed in over into my garden can you please bring it back into yours, thank you.
When a boundary is crossed, you need to provide feedback saying it’s not okay. The boundary is worthless if you don’t enforce it by giving feedback and consequences. Some people will easily accept a boundary and others will continue to challenge and escalate it. So, if Mike’s neighbour continued to violate the boundaries, he’d need to address it with him again. The specific consequences depend on the nature of the relationship and the history of the relationship.

Mike could build a 10-foot-tall fortress around his garden. This would definitely keep his neighbour out, the sun. Mike needs a flexible boundary, like a lower fence, that keeps unwanted people out while still allowing the sun in.

Why You Need Boundaries!

“Creating boundaries is the fastest way to creating more time”

It’s not only boundaries around your relationships with others but the boundaries that you create for yourself. Honouring your word towards others is one thing, but honouring your word towards yourself is even more important. Your WORD is the method of giving voice and intention to your desires. But far too often our words are broken. People seem to have a moral compass when it comes to breaking their word to others but a very quick to compromise their WORD when it comes to themselves. You may find telling yourself that you are not going to say YES when asked to go somewhere or do something but then we put the pressure on ourselves and say yes for fear of letting someone down or thinking they won’t like us anymore. Let me say one thing to you right now. If you let someone down by saying No from your heart, or if they don’t like you anymore by your saying No then if they let you know this then it says more about them than it does about you. Because not honouring your WORD to yourself to make others happy which leads to you being UN-happy does only damage to You. This is because you are telling yourself that You Do Not Matter. Which could not be further from the truth. If you need to hear this today then let me say it LOUD and CLEAR. YOU DO MATTER. YOUR WORD MATTERS.

Examples of boundaries you may need

Everyone’s boundaries are unique to them. The boundaries you create for yourself will reflect your needs and priorities and won’t be exactly the same as these. But this list will give you an idea of what boundaries or limits for yourself might look like.

  • Only saying YES to something when you mean it
  • Creating time for a self-care routine
  • No screens (television, phone) in your bedroom
  • Not participating in gossip or talking about someone behind their back
  • Not working past 7 p.m.
  • Not answering work emails on the weekends
  • Not arriving somewhere an hour after you said you would
  • Keeping a regular bedtime and wake-up time
  • Not checking Instagram every time you’re bored
  • Eating out no more than twice a week
  • Avoiding people who are hurtful, stress you out, etc.
  • Not keeping junk food in the house

Why its hard to set boundaries for yourself

Maintaining boundaries is a struggle for most people. We as humans are brought up within society to please others. With this ingrained in us as young children it can be a very hard habit to break. And with that pleasing yourself becomes less and less important until you get to a place where you start to feel guilty if you want to do anything for yourself above anyone else. We all know that limits and structure are good for us, but they’re hard to stick to when you are not use to it! Have you thought about what makes it hard for you to set limits for yourself?

If no one taught you how to set boundaries or explained that they are for, it makes sense that you might struggle to set them for yourself now. Setting limits for yourself is one way to re-parent yourself. Boundaries give you the limits, security, and structure that you are missing.

Setting limits as a part of who we are

Learning how to create boundaries are powerful, and it’s one of the most wonderful skills we can cultivate in this lifetime. When we set boundaries, we protect those parts of ourselves that are important, those that protect our hopes, desires and our fears too, Our Mental Health. Without healthy boundaries that we’re willing to stick to, it’s easy to get overcome or lost in the desires and dreams of others. If we want to build lives we can be proud of, then we have to figure out where our limits lie and start honouring our WORD.

Our limitations and our boundaries make up the things that we are and are NOT willing to accept in this life, but they also state the “no-go” zones that define our romantic relationships and friendships.

Without our boundaries, we can find ourselves allowing other people to run our lives for us, and we can even find ourselves becoming lost in someone else’s dream. This leads to a loss of confidence and self-belief in your own mind. The limits we hold impact everything from our self-esteem to the way we see the world at large. They are critical, but too often we allow them to be pushed to the wayside as a sacrifice for fear of losing people in our lives or fear of not being liked. Stop letting the world take the things you want from you and start sticking up for yourself by fighting for your boundaries.

Why boundaries are so crucial in life

Our boundaries are crucial in life they stem from a place of Self-love and Acceptance because they create feelings of mutual respect and allow us to safeguard our self-esteem. Boundaries aren’t important because they allow us to understand where a moral compass lies it allows is to Understanding that our boundaries work is often the first step in cultivating the willingness to protect them.

  • Creating mutual respect
  • Protect your self-esteem
  • Greater awareness of needs
  • Better self-care
  • Fewer heartaches

The reason we fail setting boundaries

It’s a process that takes time, and either starts in early childhood or from a bad relationship, and it’s one that usually results from insecurities, low self-esteem. We don’t wake up one day and decide to stop protecting the things we want or need it happens over time from our desire to please others .

  • Insecurities
  • Past experiences
  • Limited examples

What happens when we fail to stick to them

The consequences of not having or sticking to our boundaries and limits can have disastrous results in our lives. Think having your needs pushed around is harmless? Think again. When we fail to stick to our boundaries, our mental health can take a battering.

  • Ruptured sense of self
  • Wrecked confidence
  • Relationship trouble
  • People-pleasing to a fault
  • Inability to make your own decisions
  • Missing out on opportunities

How to set them and stick to them

You don’t have to feel like the victim of others forever. You can learn to create a life you’re proud of by learning how to create your own boundaries. Become the hero of your own story by figuring out where your limits lie and prioritising your own joy and wellbeing. Stop allowing yourself to be taken advantage of.

  • Figure out where your limits lie
  • Start small
  • Prioritise yourself
  • Boost your self-esteem
  • Take an inventory
  • Be more direct

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